The unhappiest people in this world are the people who care the most about what everyone else thinks.
“What’s wrong with wanting to please others?”
That’s what several people asked me via email in response to one of my recent articles. Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to try to please everyone, and some effective ways to stop yourself from doing so.
Seeking approval from others is perfectly fine up until the point where you are compromising your health and happiness in the process. It becomes a serious problem if you feel as though widespread approval from others is the very oxygen you need to breathe. And there was a time in my life when I felt exactly this way…
I literally felt like I was short of breath — almost as if I’d die if my peers didn’t approve of me. This is a condition that developed in my mind when I was very young, after kids in elementary school teased me for being a “nerd.” I did everything I could to win their approval. And although I grew out of my awkward stage pretty early in my teenage years, the damage was done — I was left feeling insecure. I was conditioned to seek and beg for outside approval at all times.
The biggest problem was that, as a 20-something college graduate entering the work force, I felt that anything I did or even thought only had validity if it was the “right thing” to say and think. And by “right thing,” what I really mean is “what other people thought was right.” I was terrified to step outside the box of acceptability, which was especially harmful to my creativity as I tried to nurture my passion for writing.
Once I realized what I was doing, I read several books, spoke with a coach, and focused diligently on healing this broken part of myself.
The bottom line is that a habit of approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and desires. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live.
So how can you stop fearing what everyone thinks of you? Let’s take a look:
1. Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.
When Marc and I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway. They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you — say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
2. Know that most people are not thinking about you anyway.
Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else thinks of you — chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway. And if you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination. It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion. It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.
3. Accept that someone else’s opinion is not your problem.
How many times have you looked at a person and initially misjudged their brilliance? Appearances are deceptive. How you seem to someone and how you actually are rarely congruent. Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. So if someone forms an opinion about you based on certain superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions based on a more objective and rational viewpoint. Leave it to them to worry about — that is, if they even have an opinion at all.
And whatever you do, don’t take their opinions to heart. The ability to not overreact, or take things too personally, keeps your mind clear, your heart at peace, and you fully composed in otherwise uncontrollable situations and circumstances. Calmness truly is a human superpower.
4. Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter right now?”
Most of the time the answer is no. Period. And even in circumstances like job interviews where someone’s snap judgment of you does make a difference, it still makes sense to be true to yourself in the process. Because there’s no point in getting a job that isn’t the right fit. So think about how this philosophy ripples into the rest of your life too.
And in your free time, be sure to spend less time with people who you feel pressured to impress, and more time with those who are good for your mental health and personal growth. Those who bring you perspective and inner peace. Those who challenge your bad habits, but also support your ability to change and grow.
5. See the benefit in being unique.
If you’re thinking like everyone else, you aren’t thinking. And if you aren’t thinking, you aren’t truly living.
It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to — perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity — especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin. But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality — the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.
We all have quirks and unique perspectives. The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU. So celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation. And if you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. (Read “The Road Less Traveled”.)
6. Be fully present and choose how you DO want to feel.
It’s OK to know how you don’t want to feel, but that’s not all you should be thinking about. Imagine someone trying to learn to read by spending all their time focusing on how they don’t want to not be able to read. It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?
So forget what you do not want to feel for a moment. Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment. Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment…
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on someone you love in a public setting, you’d be 100% focused and present. You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing. All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness. The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you. This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.
7. Practice speaking and living your truth.
Speak your truth even if your voice shakes… Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread so carefully on every word you say. Don’t filter yourself into silence and obscurity. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.
Think about it. Why be fake?
In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie. So start living your truth! And if someone truly gives you a hard time and says, “You’ve changed,” or something similar, it’s not a bad thing. It just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Just be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
Now it’s your turn…
The bottom line is that a life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “the right thing,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.
So it’s your turn to do more than exist! We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
As for me, I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what I wanted for myself. So I made changes — I gradually implemented the points discussed above and never looked back. If you are in the same place I once was, seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do, please take this post to heart and start making changes today. Life is too short not to.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
How has the fear of what other people think interfered with your life?
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