I used to think being emotionally strong was not showing any emotion.
- Feeling sad? Push it down.
- Feel disappointed? Shove that to the side.
- Happy or proud about something? That’s unbecoming; don’t let them see that either.
But over the last decade or two, I’ve come to realize emotional strength isn’t an absence of emotions.
It’s actually about being more in tune with them and addressing and processing them in a healthy way. And yeah, that’s a little ambiguous in itself. So, let me explain.
What is Emotional Strength?
Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
We all go through tough times in life.
In fact, in many ways, experiencing life itself is all about the ups and downs that come with it. Yet, tough times can make or break us. And this doesn’t mean you can’t feel something. It refers to how you handle and move through the broken pieces. Feeling something is part of that.
At the same time… it can be easy to get caught up in those feelings and never move through them or experience life beyond them.
For instance, many experts say that with grief, you don’t actually ever get over it; instead, you get used to the feeling. When you get used to the feeling, you slowly start to carry it differently. It stops running the show. You begin to make room for life alongside it—not instead of it.
And this is really what emotional strength is. Not the absence of hard feelings, but the ability to feel them, move through them, and keep going anyway. And this doesn’t happen overnight.
Related Article: The Genuine Power Of Tears: Crying is Good for You
How To Increase Your Emotional Strength
Emotional strength isn’t some fixed trait you either have or don’t. It’s more like a muscle—something you can build, little by little, with the right practices. It takes time and effort.
So if you’re ready to grow stronger and rebuild your own broken places, here are five things psychologists recommend.
Related Article: How to Turn Pain and Heartbreak Into Passion, Strength & Wisdom
1. Build Authentic Connections
We are wired for connection. There’s no way around this.
Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown even says,
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
(If you haven’t read her books or watched her TED Talk, I highly recommend them.)
In fact, strong relationships are one of the biggest predictors of emotional resilience.
When you have people who get you, the hard stuff feels a little more manageable. And that connection should feel safe. You and the other person should both feel heard and valued, just as Brené Brown states.
The trouble is, making real friends as an adult can feel weirdly hard. Gone are the days when friendship just happened because you sat next to someone in class (oh, how easy those days were!).
This doesn’t mean making friends is impossible. The easiest path is usually finding a shared interest and letting it grow from there. This may involve:
- Joining a fitness class.
- Volunteering in your local area.
- Signing up for a pottery class or two.
- Joining a run club.
- Joining a book club.
- Contributing to a community garden.
Friendships can form more easily when you show up repeatedly in the same space. You don’t have to force a friendship. You just have to keep showing up.
On top of this, building authentic connections sometimes means making space by letting go. If certain relationships consistently leave you drained, anxious, or small, it’s okay to slowly create distance. Protecting yourself and your peace is important.
2. Develop a Healthy Coping Mechanism Toolkit
Stress is going to happen. The question isn’t how do I avoid it—it’s what do I reach for when it hits?
Having a toolkit during tough times can ensure you have an easy way to look out for yourself and take care of yourself. A handful of go-to practices you can lean on might include:
- Journaling: Decades of studies have found that writing about your thoughts and feelings can improve both mental and physical health, with research showing reductions in anxiety symptoms associated with expressive writing. And it doesn’t have to sound or look good. The practice is ultra-simple: Just write. Whatever comes to mind!
- Physical activity: Moving your body helps let go of stress and improve your mood. A walk counts. Dancing in your kitchen counts. It doesn’t have to be a workout.
- Art or music: Creating something—or simply losing yourself in a song—gives those big feelings somewhere to go. There’s a reason many people refer to these practices as cathartic.
- Time in nature: Even a few minutes outside can offer relief.
- Talking it out: Sometimes the most powerful tool is simply saying it out loud to someone you trust. Remember, connection matters for emotional strength and overall well-being!
3. Be Mindful
A lot of stress lives in two places: the past we’re replaying and the future we’re dreading.
Mindfulness is simply the practice of returning to the one place you can actually do something about: the present moment.
One of my favorite tools for this is the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise; it’s a quick way to anchor yourself when your mind is spinning. Here’s how it works:
- Name 5 things you can see.
- Name 4 things you can feel.
- Name 3 things you can hear.
- Name 2 things you can smell.
- Name 1 thing you can taste.
By deliberately tuning into your senses, you give your racing brain a concrete task to focus on. It only takes a couple of minutes, needs no special tools, and you can do it anywhere.
And yes, meditation helps, too. But if you struggle to sit still, start with the grounding exercise above. Practicing mindfulness takes steps. Sometimes, it even simply starts with putting our phones down and being intentional about how we move through this moment, right here, right now.
We have handy-dandy videos on both grounding and the 5-4-3-2-1 method, if you have a few minutes to spare (Just click on the image of the one you want to watch.)
4. Name Your Emotions
When emotions go unnamed, they tend to feel huge and shapeless; it might even feel like a looming sense that something’s wrong, with nowhere to put it.
However, neuroscience research suggests that putting feelings into words can reduce activity in the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) while engaging the more rational, regulating part of the brain. In other words, naming the feeling helps take some of the heat out of it.
So, next time you feel “heightened,” try naming the emotion. Label it. Describe how you feel. Or even extend this into journaling (as per the above). All of this can help you build resilience and strength!
5. Get Professional Help
Struggling alone can be, well, a struggle. If you’ve tried many different techniques, all of the above, and more, but you still feel like you can’t seem to get a grip on things, reaching out for help is always one of the best things you can do.
I’ve worked with various therapists, and it’s always been beneficial. They can help us spot patterns, new perspectives, or even just help us sort out our thoughts, leading to increased emotional strength. You can even opt for online therapy, which may be more accessible and affordable than in-person.
And here’s something else that may be helpful: You don’t have to go to therapy consistently. Sometimes, it can be a useful tool for a set phase or chapter of life.
Strength Isn’t the Absence of Struggle
It’s how we move through it. It’s having the confidence and awareness to know that it’s temporary, and that it’s something you can 110% handle.
Plus, you can build that emotional strength muscle. There’s no playbook that says you’re bound to be the same or deal with things the way you dealt with them last time. You can always start fresh. So, take that one tiny step toward the life you want and build the emotional strength you know you have.
Read Next: Post-Traumatic Growth: How You Can Find Meaning Through Tough Times
Photo by 🇻🇳🇻🇳Nguyễn Tiến Thịnh 🇻🇳🇻🇳
