[Overachiever Series Part 6] Are you exhausted from trying to do “self-care” perfectly? | What a clinical psychologist wants you to know about why it didn’t work (with self-check)｜臨床心理士 なつみ

Good evening, I’m Natsumi, a clinical psychologist.
The theme for the 6th installment of the “Overachiever” series is, “Are you exhausted from trying to do ‘self-care’ perfectly?”

Have you ever tried something that was supposed to be good for when you’re tired, only to end up feeling even more exhausted? You’ve probably had that experience. It’s never because you did it wrong or because you lack willpower.

Hidden behind unsuccessful self-care are the “assumptions” and “habits of engagement” unique to people who try too hard. Let’s unravel together why self-care can become just another “chore” to work hard at.

Chapter 1: Have you ever tried self-care, only to find yourself right back where you started?

“I went to the trouble of trying self-care, but I didn’t feel any better…”

Have you ever had that experience? But the first thing I want to tell you is that it is not because you didn’t try hard enough.

• Adding bath salts and soaking in the tub for a while

• Trying to be mindful about going to bed early

• Starting some light exercise

• Writing down your feelings in a notebook

You try things that are said to be effective for fatigue, and for the first few days, you feel like, “Maybe this will work.” However, before you know it, you stop, and you find yourself back in your old routine. When that happens, aren’t the words that pop into your head, “I couldn’t keep it up again” or “I’m just no good after all”?

Actually, I once bought a treadmill with great enthusiasm, only to turn it into a mere piece of furniture a week later. I started it with good intentions, but I couldn’t keep it up, and I felt depressed, thinking, “I’m no good like this.”

But what was truly painful was not the fact that I “couldn’t keep it up,” but that I blamed myself for “not being able to keep it up”.

Self-care is supposed to be for healing fatigue, but because it didn’t go well, you end up feeling even more tired. Sometimes, such a sad loop occurs.
The reason self-care doesn’t go well is not a problem of your willpower or your methods. The reason might be hidden in your “approach” to self-care.

Chapter 2: You might have these tendencies

Here, let’s pause for a moment and look at your own tendencies.
There is absolutely no “good or bad” in the number of checks.
This is a simple self-check to help you realize, “Do I have this kind of tendency?”

First, it’s important to realize your own tendencies!

There is no need to be happy or sad about the number of checks.
What’s important is not the number, but realizing “which items applied to you”.

Chapter 3: Are you turning even self-care into a “chore”?

When self-care doesn’t go well, it’s often because self-care itself has become “another job (a chore).”

People who tend to overachieve are prone to unconsciously bringing the habits of thinking they use at work into their self-care.

The thoughts from the checklist earlier, such as “there’s still more I can do” or “this is no time to be resting,” also pop up in situations involving self-care.

• “I have to do it properly every day” (should-thinking)

• “If I’m going to do it, it’s meaningless unless I do it perfectly” (all-or-nothing thinking)

These two ways of thinking, which I talked about in Episode 5, get in the way of self-care. (Please read Episode 5 for more details.)

When I bought a walking machine myself, I thought, “Since I went to the trouble of buying it, I have to walk every day.” Even before I started, it had become a “quota I had to meet” rather than something to enjoy.

When you decide that you “have to do it every day,” if you miss even one day, you tend to feel, “It’s no good, I’ve fallen apart,” and just give up.

In reality, even if you take a few days off, you can always resume whenever you like. Yet, the “one day I couldn’t do it” looms so large.
In this way, self-care, which is supposed to heal your fatigue, becomes like a “new test” where you are graded on whether you are “doing it properly.” And when it doesn’t go well, you have one more piece of evidence to blame yourself with.

In other words, the reason self-care doesn’t last is not because you have a weak will. It might just be that the “habit of trying too hard” you use at work is showing up in your self-care as well..

Chapter 4: The hardest thing to see is your own “norm”

Another reason why self-care doesn’t go well is that it is very difficult to see your own habit of trying too hard by yourself..

“I can still do more” or “This is no time to be resting”—these “impulsive thoughts” arise so naturally that they feel less like thoughts and more like “undeniable facts” or “the norm.” They are like glasses you are always wearing. Because you are looking at the world through those glasses, it is hard to notice the existence of the glasses themselves.

If you feel that “it’s hard to see my own habits on my own,” I recommend organizing your thoughts with someone else. By having another person’s perspective, thoughts you considered “the norm” might start to look a little different.

I also offer online counseling and message consultations at “Uraraka Counseling Room.” Please feel free to use them as one of your options when you need them.

The reason self-care doesn’t last is not because of a lack of effort on your part.

Chapter 5: You don’t have to blame yourself for not succeeding

The reason your self-care didn’t go well was not because you didn’t try hard enough. There were two reasons for this.

1. You had turned even self-care into a “task to work hard at,” thinking “I have to do it every day” or “I have to do it perfectly.”

2. That habit of thinking was so “normal” to you that it was hard to notice.

Both are very natural reactions that are more likely to occur in people who have always worked hard.

There is only one thing you can do starting today.

If you find that your self-care isn’t lasting and you think, “I failed again,” please stop for a moment and try asking yourself this.

“If a dear friend were in the same situation, what would you say to them?”

You would surely offer kind words like, “Some days are just like that,” or “Why not just do it when you feel like it again?”

You are harsh with yourself, yet kind words come naturally for a friend. First, just noticing that difference is enough.

I am currently creating a “worksheet” that will help you organize these thought patterns on your own. I will let you know on note or X once it is finished.

“You don’t have to blame yourself for not doing well”
—this is the one thing I want to tell you most today.

I want to offer kind words to myself, too.

Next time, I will talk about “why the people who get the best evaluations end up suffering the most,” based on my experience seeing the inside of organizations as HR and a secretary.

Thank you for reading until the end.
It encourages my writing, so I would be happy if you could feel free to like, comment, or follow!

*This note is written to be easy to understand for the general public, so it does not directly cite academic papers. The content is based on clinical psychology theories and research.
*This article is based on the concepts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Beck) and psychological findings regarding perfectionism and the like. The checklist was created independently and is not intended for medical diagnosis.

🍀 On X, I tweet daily tips to help lighten the hearts of those who try too hard.
🍀 I also accept online counseling and message consultations.

🍀 Clinical Psychologist Natsumi’s X

🍀 Online counseling and message consultations
https://www.uraraka-soudan.com/counselor/1186