You love two people who no longer speak to each other. It can be tough; there’s no denying it.
Maybe it’s your mom and your sister.
Maybe it’s your brother and your dad.
Or it could even be your siblings.
Whoever it is, you can’t invite them to the same birthday party or Christmas get-together. You have to draw lines in the sand about who or what you can talk about with each. Maybe you’ve even been asked to pass things along or had to keep less-than-kind words to yourself.
And maybe you don’t even understand it. Or you get both sides.
Either way, no one seems to notice how it’s impacted you and how being in the middle is one of the loneliest parts of your life.
This is especially true because, like family estrangement in general, it’s just never really talked about. Whether you’re trying to understand a friend, family member, or yourself, this article is for you.
I’ve been there—caught in between two loved ones. I get it. And surprisingly, there’s a bit of research behind all of this.
What It Means to Be Caught in the Middle of Family Estrangement
Being in the middle of a family estrangement means you still have a relationship with both people in a broken relationship, and you keep getting pulled into the space between them.
You’re not the one who was cut off, and you’re not the one who did the cutting. You’re basically the bridge everyone keeps trying to walk across.
In family systems theory, this is called triangulation. When two people can’t resolve the tension between them directly, they unconsciously pull in a third person to take on some of that load.
And that third person might be you.
Essentially, you were handed a role you never auditioned for. And while their estrangement isn’t within your control, other things are. But before we get to that, let’s take a look at your emotions first.
Related Article: Family Estrangement: Different Types and What They Look Like
Why Being in the Middle Hurts So Much
First off, your pain is real.
You might not be the one choosing or causing this chaos. But you are impacted by it. That’s 110% valid.
In fact, when communication researcher Kristina Scharp studied family members stuck in the middle of estranged parents and children, she found they carried genuine distress of their own.
Her research also pinpointed the exact moments that make people feel most “caught in the middle”:
- Being asked to pass messages back and forth
- Being asked to hand over information about the other person
- Having to listen to one relative say unkind or negative things about the other
There’s also the guilt of becoming what Scharp calls a reluctant ally—where, without ever choosing a side, you slowly start to look like you have.
- You returned one person’s call a little faster.
- You showed up to one holiday and not the other.
- You maybe liked someone’s Instagram post but didn’t see the other’s.
Next thing you know, someone feels betrayed, and you’re left wondering how you became the bad guy in a fight that was never yours.
Related Article: 7 Important Cultural and Social Influences Behind Family Estrangement
How to Handle Being in the Middle Without Taking Sides
So what do you actually do? You can’t force two people to reconcile, and you shouldn’t have to abandon either one. But you can protect your own peace.
So, here are six ways to do exactly that:
- Say it out loud. Tell your family members, plainly and kindly, that you feel caught. Ask them to imagine standing where you’re standing. Often they genuinely haven’t thought about it.
- Set topic boundaries. Decide which subjects are off-limits, and name them. “I love you, but I’m not going to talk about Dad” is a complete sentence.
- Refuse to be the messenger. If two adults have something to say to each other, they can say it directly. You aren’t their courier.
- Maintain two separate relationships. You’re allowed to love each person on their own terms, in their own space, completely apart from the conflict between them.
- Give yourself permission to step back. If the middle gets too loud, you can create distance without abandoning anyone. Take time for yourself.
- Choose your outlet wisely. You need somewhere to put these feelings, but choose where thoughtfully. Scharp found that venting to other relatives often spread the tension further. A therapist or a neutral friend is always a safe place, one where it won’t get passed down to others.
You Don’t Have to Fix It
At the end of the day, staying neutral is a hard boundary. It’s staying neutral. It’s also protecting your peace.
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us absorbed the idea that loving people means fixing things for them, such as smoothing it over, keeping the peace, or getting everyone back to the same dinner table.
But you didn’t build the wall. Thus, you don’t have to be the one to knock it down (nor is it yours to do so!).
In fact, the harder you push for a reconciliation nobody’s ready for, it’s likely you’ll only sink deeper into the conflict itself. However, you can hope they find their way back to each other someday. You can even say you hope it. But you can’t want it more than they do. Ultimately, it’s their choice.
What you can do is love both people, protect your own heart, and let the rift belong to the people it actually belongs to.
Read Next: 4 Negative Conflict Responses & How You Can Keep Yourself Out of It
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