For so many of us, family is everything.
It’s the value we were raised on; we believe that family is the people who are supposed to show up and the ones who are meant to have our backs no matter what. And we’ve all heard that blood is thicker than water… but is it?
We all know someone, don’t we?
- Maybe a cousin who hasn’t spoken to an aunt in years.
- A friend who dreads every holiday.
- A sibling who went “no contact” and never looked back.
Or maybe you’ve been the one who has cut off interactions with a family member.
The thing about family is… you don’t get to choose them. But you do, as it turns out, get to choose whether you let them into your life.
A Survey Found 38% of American Adults Are Estranged From a Family Member
All of this came up when I was reading an article recently. One stat jumped out at me. A surprising (or maybe unsurprising) 38% of American adults are currently estranged from a family member.
At first, I thought: really? But then I thought about my own family, where a few members haven’t spoken in years. I thought about friends who have navigated going “no contact” with some of their family members. Suddenly, it actually didn’t seem so far-fetched.
However, there’s so much shame and taboo revolving around all of this. Many often avoid talking about it. We push it under the rug, so to speak. But let’s talk about it, without the shame.
The truth is not everyone is granted the same circumstances or family. Perhaps not everyone should stay in contact. Different situations merit different actions. Yet, let’s start with some basics.
What Is Family Estrangement?
Family estrangement is the intentional distancing or cutting off of contact between relatives.
It can look like full “no contact,” where communication stops completely, or even “low contact,” where someone keeps interactions to a bare minimum, such as a text on a birthday, or nothing at all for months.
The main thing here is that it’s intentional. It’s not drifting apart because life just got busy.
It involves deliberate actions and choices, sometimes painful ones, to potentially protect your own peace, safety, or well-being (or someone else’s). And as stated above, it’s fairly common.
Out of the 38% of American adults who say they’re currently estranged, 24% reported that they’re estranged from a sibling and 16% said they’re estranged from a parent.
To put that in perspective, sociologist Karl Pillemer’s earlier Cornell study found that, in 2020, 27% of Americans (around 67 million people) were living with an estrangement. In other words, the number has gone up.
Is It More Common Now?
The truth is that it’s hard to say for sure. This is largely because nearly all of the research we have on it consists of point-in-time snapshots, not long-term studies that could actually prove rates are climbing.
However, estrangement has become much more visible, and notably more socially accepted. This is largely thanks to social media and the use of therapy language.
Psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement, believes it’s genuinely on the rise, pointing to a kind of social contagion on platforms like TikTok and Instagram, where cutting off a “toxic” relative can become an act of personal identity.
So why the change (if it’s actually true)?
Experts point to a few cultural currents. This includes:
- a rise in individualism
- a growing emphasis on personal happiness
- economic insecurity
- a newer belief that a parent can be an obstacle to personal growth
Add in the spread of therapy language (as just mentioned), with words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘toxic’ that give people the vocabulary to name harm and step away, plus the fact that we no longer assume family ties are automatically permanent, and you’ve got fertile ground for more rifts and, well, estrangements.
This isn’t to say estrangement is bad.
For some, it’s absolutely the right move and necessary to protect oneself against real abuse or harm. But other times, with time and effort, those ruptures could heal, and growth could happen. In other words, there are multiple truths here that typically come down to the individual and their circumstances.
Related Article: 6 Ways You Can Build & Maintain Trust in a Relationship
How to Deal With Family Estrangement
Whether you’re the one who stepped away or the one left wondering what happened, estrangement can be one of the loneliest experiences. And maybe you’re feeling that heaviness or ache.
Just because you chose it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. So, here are a few pointers to help.
First, let yourself grieve.
Estrangement is often described as an ambiguous loss; there’s no funeral, no casserole, no sympathy card, and yet the loss is very real. So, name it what it is. It’s still grief.
Second, let go of the shame.
So much of the pain you feel may live in secrecy; maybe you feel that everyone else has a picture-perfect family and you’re the exception. You’re not.
Talking to a trusted friend, or a therapist who understands these dynamics, can lift an enormous weight off your shoulders.
Third, watch out for well-meaning but hollow advice.
This includes from others and from yourself.
For example, telling an estranged parent “they’ll be back” or telling an adult child “you only have one family” tends to leave people feeling more misunderstood. Compassion (for yourself and others again) is always best here.
If reconciliation is something you’re hoping for, the research further suggests leading with empathy.
Don’t use guilt or the idea of fairness. This simply isn’t how emotions or relationships really work. Plus, keeping score usually pushes someone further away.
Relationships, in general, also don’t have to be all or nothing. Reconciliation doesn’t have to mean returning to exactly how things were; sometimes a low-contact relationship with appropriate boundaries is the healthiest possible outcome.
In the meantime, lean on your chosen family of friends and community, who can offer a sense of belonging and solace when you need it the most.
On top of the above (and perhaps most encouragingly), most rifts do soften over time. In fact, some evidence indicates that about 81% of adult children eventually reconciled with their mother, and 69% with their father.
But not all do, and it can take time. And you’re allowed to stay open to that possibility without putting your whole life on hold for it.
Related Article: Relationship Cycles: Are You Caught in the Spiral?
Mapping Your Way Forward
If you’re navigating a fractured family relationship right now, be gentle with yourself. Offer yourself some compassion. Seek out support. It’s not easy. And no one is expecting you to keep it all together.
Most importantly, talking with a licensed therapist can be a good way to start opening up about your estrangement or your thoughts about it.
Related Article: 21 Signs You’re Dealing With a Fake and Toxic Friend
Photo by Alexander Grigorian
