Mindfulness has become such an overused buzzword that people’s eyes sometimes glaze over when they hear it. Dismissing it has become a fad of its own. But mindfulness isn’t a cure-all or trend; it’s one of many contemplative practices for developing traits like resilience and empathy. The bigger picture is what matters: In an uncertain, changing world, how can we learn to live skillfully, with more awareness, patience, and kindness?
One useful habit, as you hear anything new, is to ask yourself: Is it true? Is it true that family life tends to be busy, changing, and sometimes difficult? In the face of those experiences, we get caught up in living reactively, without much awareness or intention. We run on autopilot, sticking with habitual beliefs and behaviors that don’t move us usefully forward.
We can instead develop cognitive abilities that let us meet our reality with more ease. It takes practice and effort, but it’s open to anyone. What follows goes beyond mindfulness into insight: exploring how the mind actually works. Think of it as a toolkit for recognizing common ways of living and building more useful ones.
Start by paying attention. We spend much of our lives distracted, missing what’s right in front of us. One Harvard study found that the simple act of paying attention increases our happiness. Staying present is the start of any real communication, too; our kids and partners notice when we’re not attending to them. We’ll still get distracted often, but it helps to get better at paying attention, and to notice when we’ve drifted.
Meditation: A concentration practice from Mark Bertin on Insight Timer.
Attention leads to awareness. Awareness grows out of attention. This is the mindfulness part: The ability to see clearly, without bias, what’s happening right now. If the word ‘mindfulness’ shuts you down, ask yourself: Is it true I’m better off knowing what’s going on, real time, in my life? For instance, catching anger as it rises, instead of only realizing afterward we’ve snapped at our child once again, creates room for a more nuanced response. Awareness also reveals various filters we tend to see the world through, as well as assumptions about happiness, emotion, and much more that aren’t all that accurate (see Laurie Santos’s Science of Well-Being course).
Meditation: An open awareness practice from Mark Coleman.
Awareness allows for change. We can all cultivate new habits, once we notice we have habits at all. For example, we develop routine ways to meet challenges, from misbehavior to homework routines and everything in between. Start with anger again, where the only option might feel like lashing out or swallowing it. Maybe someone failed a test. In the past, confrontation about study habits led to defensiveness and shut down, and nothing changed. If we recognize early how anger feels in our body, nuance our emotional experience (maybe we’re frustrated because we feel powerless, or scared about long-term academics), and pause before reacting (a skill built through meditation), new and creative paths forward reveal themselves (see Lisa Feldman Barrett’s website about emotions).
Meditation: Tara Brach’s RAIN practice.
Awareness builds resilience. Most of us don’t mentally treat ourselves as kindly as we’d treat anyone else, a habit so common it has been described for centuries. That constant self-criticism breeds unhappiness, defensiveness, and influences how we treat others. Recognizing our inner critic as an old impersonal habit, and practicing self-compassion, has well-documented benefits, including less burnout and better persistence when things get difficult (see research on Kristin Neff’s self-compassion site). Less self-criticism changes how we feel and act as parents, while modeling the same powerful mindset for our children.
Meditation: A self-compassion practice from Kristin Neff.
Awareness builds compassion. Exploring our experience through this lens, we can also recognize that everyone else struggles to find happiness, everyone has an inner critic, and everyone faces change and uncertainty. Without condoning anyone’s behavior, we can cultivate the belief that every person, everywhere, simply wants to be happy and at ease. A struggling teen may seem angry or apathetic but of course doesn’t want to be struggling. That recognition naturally softens how we meet them.
Meditation: A lovingkindness practice from Mark Bertin.
- Awareness and compassion benefit people around us. As we grow more attentive, more aware of our habits, and more empathetic, we engage differently with the world. We stay present, patient, and empathetic, and therefore stay in touch with our best intentions. That desire to influence our families and the world around us for the better is the bigger picture of contemplative practice.
A fundamental teaching of insight meditation is that one thing leads to another: how we meet a moment shapes what comes next. Approach a problem tangled in reactivity and bias, and that colors how it unfolds. Approach a difficult person while grounded in awareness and compassion, including moments our kids feel challenging, and the whole conversation shifts. Contemplative practice, including mindfulness, isn’t self-help or a fad. It certainly may help us feel better, but in its heart, it supports everyone around us too.
Take Action – Resilient Parent, Resilient Child
If any of this makes sense to you, select a practice and commit to it. Approach it as practice. The intention is not shutting off thinking or scary calmness. Life pushes us into distraction, reactivity and autopilot. If you experience that and stick with practice anyway, that’s perfect.
Set aside a few minutes a day. Let go of short-term goals. Through that effort and repetition, useful perspectives and skills become more accessible outside of meditation.
- Choose a meditation app. Guided practices are easier at the start for most people. Use an app like the Insight Meditation Timer or seek out a local meditation group.
- Let go of preconceived notions of meditation. Don’t expect instant relaxation or a quiet mind.
- Schedule a time daily. Open-ended plans (sometime tomorrow) rarely work with a new habit.
- Stay patient when you forget to practice. It’s hard forming a new habit.
- Stay patient with your busy mind. Exploring how we relate to thoughts and emotions is an intention of practice, not eliminating them.
- Commit to both your contemplative practice and to living intentionally. See what happens over time when you commit to more awareness and compassion in your life.
