We have all been there. A screaming child on the floor, and a wave of frustration, anxiety, and embarrassment washes over us. In that moment of overwhelm, we might ask ourselves an important question: “Was I ever taught how to deal with these feelings?” The answer might be no.
Past generations’ parenting tactics consisted mostly of what their own parents believed to be essential to childhood development: obedience, achievement, and independence. After decades of research in child development, the experts now know differently. The overall impact on a child’s healthy development ties directly to their ability to navigate the social world and understand their feelings (Martins et al., 2010).
Emotional intelligence, mental health, communication skills, and empathy have become a primary focus of childhood education, and for good reason. Emotional intelligence (EI) is more than just people skills. Emotional intelligence is linked to academic success, job advancement, and the ability to be flexible in an ever-changing socio-cultural and technological landscape.
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer conducted research in 1990 that helped explain and highlight the importance of emotional intelligence. Their research defined emotional intelligence and described key components that influenced children’s overall functioning and success. This included the skills of recognizing, understanding, and regulating emotions, expressing emotions appropriately, and showing empathy toward others.
Their research set the stage for prioritizing children’s social-emotional development. In the last few decades, many educational systems and mental health agencies have begun to teach these skills in an active way because of the research-backed, beneficial outcomes on child development.
Benefits Of Emotional Intelligence
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Children with higher emotional intelligence have reported better peer relationships, show more empathy, and experience fewer behavior problems (Greenberg, 2023). These children also demonstrate greater social competence, including effective conflict resolution, communication skills, and cooperation (Denham et al., 2003). No wonder these children end up with better academic success and overall job advancement!
Why Modern Parents Are Shifting Toward Emotional Intelligence
Parents are more aware of the mental health crisis in today’s youth. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports that depression and anxiety are at an all-time high among school-aged children in recent years. Social-emotional intelligence training (or “emotion coaching”) serves as a preventative measure to teach children how to improve their emotional regulation and communication.
The Gottman Institute outlined the steps involved in “emotion coaching”, which has been shown to reduce behavior problems in children and enhance kids’ ability to regulate their emotions in difficult situations (Gottman et al., 1996).
These steps involve parents increasing their attention to their child’s emotions, listening and validating their emotions, helping children label emotions with words, and setting limits when helping children deal with difficult emotional situations.
A Balanced Perspective
Although there is significant scientific evidence supporting the benefits of teaching emotional intelligence to kids, there is some resistance to the idea. For example, some parents may attribute emotion coaching as being permissive of harmful behavior. Other parents may support the overall goal of emotional regulation but think that an overemphasis on emotions may prevent active problem-solving in challenging situations.
What Emotional Intelligence Is Not!
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It is important to note that emotional intelligence does not mean permissiveness. In fact, teaching emotional intelligence helps children understand that there are limits to their reactions and expectations of others’ behavior when feelings are intense.
Learning emotional intelligence helps children build self-awareness: understanding their responses, recognizing the limits of their reactions, and noticing when they cross a line with others.
Similarly, the focus on emotions is important, but may lead to overwhelm if coupled with intensity and attention. The most effective emotional intelligence strategy is to clearly validate emotions one time, put a word to a child’s feelings (“It looks like you are feeling sad”), and move towards a way to respond to the feeling (“When you are ready, let’s figure out what to do”).
Build Emotional Intelligence (For Parents And Their Kids!)
“Treat others how you want to be treated” is a helpful rule to keep in mind as you begin to teach emotional intelligence. What helps you most when you are feeling sad, mad, or overwhelmed? Consider the ways you have felt most cared for during a difficult emotional moment.
Stay Calm (As Possible!) During Big Emotions
You know that steady, calm person in a crisis? Be that person for your child. “Co-regulation before correction” is the first step to teaching the skill of emotional intelligence. Staying calm during big feelings helps children see that feelings are simply sensations and information that can be worked through together.
Validation
We all appreciate validation of our feelings, even if others do not necessarily agree or may feel differently. Simply noticing and labeling what emotion you see in your child is the first step. There is no need to fix their feelings, change them, judge them, or try to make them go away; simply be with your child as they experience that feeling.
Model Coping Strategies
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Once a feeling is acknowledged, its intensity typically reduces. Now is the moment to demonstrate coping strategies. Warning: do not try this if your child is still actively melting down! They will be unable to process your support and guidance, and it can lead to more overwhelm.
Once the intensity of the feeling has diminished, now is the time to suggest or model deep breathing, taking breaks, and problem-solving. You can discuss these coping strategies with your children anytime. Make a plan about when you might use them.
If in a heated moment, we can say something that validates and suggests how to cope: “That felt hard, let’s take a break before deciding what to do next.”
Demonstrate Empathy
As parents, we notice everything but seldom vocalize all our observations. If you are reading a book with your child, watching a movie, or even discussing a situation from school, we can promote empathy by asking, “How do you think those people felt?” Make noticing and discussing feelings the norm in your household.
Age Appropriate Expectations
Your child’s age will determine how well they can understand and use coping strategies on their own. Toddlers will not be able to vocalize their feelings and use coping strategies independently! The expectation is that children slowly learn about feelings, and as they grow, they can gradually begin to use these skills on their own.
Redefining What It Means to Raise “Successful” Kids
Grades and achievements will always be viewed as marks of success, but modern parents are acknowledging that they do not guarantee a child’s well-rounded success. Teens and young adults are excelling in the changing social and technological landscape by prioritizing emotional health, relationships, and adaptability. Prioritizing emotional intelligence expands the definition of what it means for children to succeed and thrive.
