A new mom asked for advice online, explaining that she and her husband are first-time parents and that she feels her husband is using his video game hobby as a way to avoid his share of the parenting duties for their newborn.
The first three months of having a newborn are known as “the fourth trimester.” According to WebMD, the fourth trimester is defined as a time in which both the baby and birthing parent are adjusting to the baby’s life outside the womb. New parents are often tired and overwhelmed by the dramatic changes to their daily routine, and parents should expect their lives to look different after a baby arrives. That doesn’t mean parents have to neglect their own needs, but according to this new mom, her husband is claiming that his video game playing is self-care, and she can’t ask him to give it up.
The mom asked her husband to stop playing video games and help out with the baby, but he said video games are ‘self-care.’
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In preparation for their new lives with their baby, the mom asked her husband to pause his video game subscription, “since he’ll be busy helping with the baby plus he has his school work,” as he’s currently getting his doctorate. She reported that he didn’t listen to her request, “still paid the game subscription and continues to play games every day while I spend [the] majority of the time with our baby.”
She added that she sleeps alone with the baby at night since her husband has work and asked the Reddit parenting community for their “thoughts on video games.”
Video games can be self-care, but not when actively avoiding responsibilities.
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As defined by Everyday Health, self-care “means taking care of yourself so that you can be healthy, you can be well, you can do your job, you can help and care for others, and you can do all the things you need to and want to accomplish in a day.”
While most people may consider things such as seeing a therapist, prioritizing nutritious meals, or spending a day bed-rotting as self-care, by definition, self-care encompasses anything you do with the intention of ensuring your physical and mental health are at the forefront. And if playing video games does that for you, it’s surely a form of self-care.
“Video games when my baby was sleeping were absolutely my ‘self-care,’ said a parent on Reddit in favor of video games. “You need to unwind and feel like a normal human being” outside of taking care of your baby.
That said, as a parent, it’s crucial that self-care doesn’t cross the line into an escape from reality or neglect of responsibilities, and it’s up to parents to agree on a fair division of responsibilities when it comes to caring for their baby. “He can’t monopolize the self care…” one person wrote in the comments, suggesting the couple “Make an agreeable compromise so that both of you get a break and both of you support each other.”
“When we had our baby my wife and I each set aside 30 minutes a day to give the other a break so they could recharge,” one dad explained. But, as this dad noted about the original poster’s concerns over her husband’s video games, “if he is spending hours and hours a day playing video games while you are both home and awake and he leaves you to the childcare, then I’d say that’s a problem.”
Self-care has to be equitable to avoid resentment in the parents’ relationship.
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As WebMD has noted, for parents to show up at their best for their children, they must first take care of themselves.
“I would say take some time to really consider your family setup,” one person wrote in the Reddit comments. “Think about what people need rather than divvying everything up equally. Fair does not mean equal… fair means trying to make sure everyone has what they need to survive.”
Obviously, both mom and dad need a break now and again, but this mom is literally asking for more help, and her husband is blowing her off. That doesn’t mean he has to give up video games completely, but they both need to sit down and discuss their schedules. They also both have to be willing to adapt because some days will be different than others, and that means when a parent needs extra support, her partner steps up, even if it cuts into his self-care, whatever activity that may be.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
