While heightened emotional intelligence isn’t a requirement to thrive in life, it certainly helps with a lot of important areas. And, I would argue, that emotional intelligence is becoming increasingly valuable as our world turns more and more towards systems, automation, and robotics, and human beings are starting to crave authentic emotional connection now more than ever.
Regardless of whether you were born with a naturally lower EQ set point, or you were more emotionally attuned earlier on in your life and it was conditioned/discouraged out of you, everyone can improve their emotional intelligence if they’re willing to put in a little bit of work. Research from 2024 also found that emotional intelligence training programs can effectively improve EQ in adult populations.
On the other hand, some people just make every interaction feel easier because they know how to handle emotions without making things awkward. Once you start noticing the way they listen and regulate themselves, among other behaviors, it becomes obvious who really has high emotional IQ and who’s just winging it.
You can almost always tell someone has a high emotional IQ by these 5 behaviors that are obvious once you see them:
1. They sit with what they’re feeling
When challenging, difficult, or overwhelming emotions come up for us, the default response is to either get busy doing more stuff or to temporarily deaden our emotions using some maladaptive numbing behavior. Instead of distracting yourself, slow down and feel your feelings fully.
Research in the Journal of Intelligence found that being aware of your emotions leads to better emotional self-regulation and an easier time navigating social situations. The study showed that people who don’t pay attention to their emotions face higher risks for depression and anxiety, while those who identify what they’re feeling tend to manage their emotional lives much better.
If you feel anxious, accept that you feel anxious. If you feel the heaviness of grief in your chest, allow it to be there. If you need to cry, then cry. Ask yourself, “What is coming up for me right now?” Sit with it patiently and allow the emotion to speak to you. Don’t judge, rationalize, or bypass your emotions — allow them to come up as they are.
Remember, you’re working to get out of your head and into your heart. Let it take its time to build the bridge to connect the two. Slowing down and simply allowing your feelings is the first and most effective tool in order to gain emotional self-awareness.
2. They know how to shake off stress
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Have you ever felt stress? Of course, you have. But what is stress? For something that so commonly permeates our lives, it never ceases to amaze me how little we understand about it. Put simply, stress is the accumulation of unfelt feelings. That’s it.
Research in Biological Psychology found that when people struggle to regulate their emotions, they have a much harder time bouncing back. The study showed that folks who can’t effectively manage their feelings end up with worse stress responses and worse mental health, while those who learn to regulate emotions handle stressful situations much more smoothly.
Have a whole bunch of sadness that you haven’t felt? A lot of anger, frustration, or resentment that you haven’t dealt with? As it piles up in your body, you begin to feel the cumulative effects of stress. It’s harder to differentiate what you’re feeling if there are too many internal stimuli flooding you. It becomes imperative that you learn to eliminate stress via emotional processing. Not sure how to do that? This article on releasing difficult emotions gives you a step-by-step process.
3. They talk things out with the right people
There will be times when you’re so flooded by your feelings that it will be nearly impossible to understand what’s happening inside of you. Or there might be times when you’re first cultivating new emotional self-awareness, and a seemingly “new” feeling comes up for you that you don’t necessarily understand.
In these moments, it is perfectly acceptable to confide in a safe, loving, trusted person with whom you can talk about your feelings. Explain to them as much as you can, and have them reflect to you what they are seeing and hearing about your emotional experience.
4. They’re aware of their emotional reactions
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One rapid way to increase your emotional intelligence is to start becoming aware of the reactions that you have to others. Then, allow those reactions to inform you of your own emotional defaulting patterns. For example, if you find yourself becoming upset/frustrated/triggered by people who (fill in the blank — are always late, are rude to people, cut you off in traffic, etc.), allow yourself to witness those emotions as they come up.
Notice what your default emotional state is when it comes to reacting to others. Once you notice your small handful of most frequently utilized emotional responses, it will become that much easier to identify and manage those same emotions later on.
5. They trust themselves
Improving your emotional intelligence will take time. You’re learning to trust yourself and your assessments of your emotional reality, and the realities of others. And while it is absolutely beneficial to be open to others’ feedback on you, don’t take their word as truer than your internal perception of yourself.
Ultimately, you are learning to trust yourself more, and what you feel yourself feeling is the truth. Don’t make your feelings wrong for existing. Simply accept them as they are, even if they don’t make sense.
One study in Current Psychology tracked students over several years and found that emotional intelligence naturally develops with age as you gain more life experience. The study showed that emotional understanding keeps getting better the longer you practice it.
In essence, this all comes down to mindfulness. Raising your emotional intelligence is predicated on your slowing down and gradually becoming more aware of yourself and others. Have patience with yourself. We’re never taught this stuff in school, and cultivating higher emotional intelligence is a lifelong process.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women’s Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
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