The smiles of the unhappiest are sometimes the widest.
You become a true master of your life when you learn how to master your focus — what you give your time and energy to. So rise above the pettiness trying to draw you in. Figure out where your attention is spent, and gradually remove distractions. Remind yourself that there’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short not to focus more on what matters most!
Today, let’s reflect on three common habits that have drained happiness from hundreds of people Angel and I have worked with over the past 16 years. These “habits of unhappiness” are so darn prevalent too, nearly all of us engage in at least one of them on and off throughout our lives…
1. Seeking approval from the masses
We worry about what other people think of us. We worry about our appearance. We worry about whether or not he’ll like us. We worry she might like that other guy. We worry we’ll fall flat on our faces. We worry we’re not enough just the way we are. And social media, with its culture of getting us to seek constant approval with virtual hearts, with its endless highlight reels of perfect bodies and exotic travels… it only intensifies the problem. Realize this! Don’t surrender to it!
When you find yourself trapped between what feels right to you and what others tell you is right for you, listen to your inner compass. Because no matter where life takes you, big towns or small villages, you will come across others who think they know what’s best for you, people who think they’re better than you, people who think happiness and success mean the same things to everyone. They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that — shiny objects and flashy figures don’t matter that much in the long run.
So don’t just chase material things. Don’t just chase the numbers. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive on daily basis. Go for the things of greater value — the things money and temporary social clout can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth…
And you have to admit, you’ve spent a lot of your life subconsciously belittling yourself. Thinking you’re not enough. Trying to be someone else. Someone who fits in. Someone who’s less sensitive. Less needy. Less flawed. Less YOU. Because you felt broken, and you didn’t want to scare people away. You wanted everyone to like you. You wanted to make a good impression. You wanted to be seen as worthy and lovable… so you could feel healed and whole. And so for the longest time, behind a facade of fake smiles, you have inadvertently betrayed yourself for the purpose of pleasing everyone else. And for longest time, your heart has ached.
But you’re at a point now where you’re seeing things differently. The heartache just isn’t worth it anymore. Talking down to yourself for even one more day just doesn’t make sense. And more than that, you now realize no matter what you do or how you change, some people will never be pleased anyway.
You now realize you have to start doing things for the right reasons!
Not because it’s what you think everyone else needs, but because you finally know yourself to be worthy of your own values and priorities.
Not because other people approve of you, but because you are breathing your own air, thinking your own thoughts, and occupying a space no one else ever could.
Yes, you are indeed worthy! Your ideas are worthy. Your feelings are worthy. Your needs are worthy. And without everyone else’s validation or approval, you must be who you are and live your truth. Even if it makes people turn their heads. Even if it means walking alone down the path less traveled for awhile…
Choose to take up a lot of positive space in your own life today. Choose to give yourself permission to meet your own needs. Choose to honor your feelings and emotions. Choose to make self-love and self-care a part of your daily habits. And above all, choose to think better about yourself, so you can live better in spite of the challenges you face.
2. Choosing comfort over progress
An comfortable day sounds nice, and it can be nice for a little while. But it’s not the kind of day you’ll look back on with gratitude for how far you’ve come. And seeking comfort isn’t the kind of daily habit you want to be endlessly engaged in. Remind yourself that making progress in life and noticing it are two of the biggest keys to happiness. You want to be stretched to the edge of your ability at least a few times a week; it needs to be hard and a bit uncomfortable at reasonable intervals.
Of course, most of us don’t want to be uncomfortable at all, so we subconsciously run from the possibility of discomfort at all costs. The obvious problem with this is that, by running from discomfort, we are limited to participate in only the opportunities within our comfort zones. And since our comfort zones are relativity small, we miss out on most of life’s greatest and healthiest experiences, and we get stuck in a debilitating cycle. We keep doing what we’ve always done, and thus we keep getting the results we’ve always gotten. And our true potential is surrendered.
So are you selling yourself short of making progress? Think about it…
- How many times over the past year has the draw of comfort plagued your best intentions?
- How many workouts have you missed because your mind, not your body, told you that you were too tired?
- How many workout reps have you skipped because your mind, not your body, said, “Hey, nine reps is enough. Don’t worry about the tenth”?
In the past year alone the answer to all three questions is probably dozens for most people, including myself. And these questions can be easily reworked and applied to various other areas of our lives too. Bottom line: Don’t surrender your potential! Choose differently. Choose yourself… Go to environments that expand your mind. Spend time with people who inspire you to stretch yourself. Read books. Grow. Work. Get better. Your life is mostly your choice. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Success and Productivity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Striving for perfection
This one is like the flip side of the previous point. But make no mistake about it: perfectionism can be just as damaging as sitting around comfortably doing nothing. And it’s just as prevalent because the vast majority of us fear that we will somehow be held back by our imperfections. Thus, understanding the difference between reasonable striving and perfectionism is critical to picking up your life and making fulling progress.
So first and foremost, perfectionism of all shapes and sizes not only causes you unnecessary stress and unhappiness from the superficial need to always get it right, it actually prevents you from getting anything worthwhile done at all. Because the real world doesn’t reward perfection. It rewards people who get good things done. And the only way to get good things done is to be imperfect 99% of the time…
Eventually most of us end up settling in some part of our life. We let go of certain ideals, we compromise, and we make trade-offs. We gradually learn that we can’t have everything we want, because everything has an opportunity cost, and not every outcome in life can be perfectly controlled. But if we pay close attention we also learn that we can make the best of every outcome, and still get a lot of what we want in life.
And these realizations collectively lead to an interesting question:
When should you settle, or compromise, and when should you continue fighting hard for what you ideally want to achieve?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but when you encounter a situation that forces you to choose between compromise and fighting forward against the opposition, it might help to also ask yourself:
“Do I really need this, or do I just kinda want it?”
Being able to distinguish needs from wants is essential in every walk of life. Never let go of an outcome you truly need in your life, but be reasonably flexible on the outcomes you want but could live fine without.
In other words, choose your battles wisely, and don’t let perfect become the enemy of a good life. Remind yourself that what you pay attention to grows. So focus on what really matters and let go of what does not…
Don’t give up 60% of your life working 60-hour weeks at a day job that makes you absolutely miserable. Don’t abandon your sanity for the wrong reasons. Don’t neglect lifelong goals and dreams that have withstood the tests of time and still bring incredible meaning into your life.
If you really need something, fight hard for it!
But for everything else, let go and compromise…
Settle on less of the unessential, to get more of what you really need in life.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to practice paying more attention to the beauty and practicality of living a more intentional life. A life uncluttered by most of the meaningless things people fill their lives with, leaving you with space for what truly matters. A life that isn’t constant worrying, waiting, or stress, but instead contemplation, creation, and connection with the people and projects that matter most to you, day by day. By redefining your priorities, and building healthy habits and routines to back them up, you can literally start changing your life in the days ahead.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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