I keep hearing friends and acquaintances say the same thing.
It first happened when hanging out with a group of friends over dinner. One friend was going through a job transition. It happened again when one-on-one with another friend for coffee.
“I’m just trying to figure out what my purpose is.”
More than at any other point in time, our basics — the things we need to survive — are handled. Most of us have food, shelter… but then once these needs are met, some of us struggle. And so, the question that our ancestors didn’t even need to ask came about: What is my purpose?
I’ve realized that purpose isn’t actually something you find. It’s something you choose.
So, what does this mean?
How do you make this choice?
And why exactly are so many people struggling with finding their purpose?
Related Article: What Am I Here For? Finding Direction When Life Feels Aimless
What Do the Stats Say?
If it feels like everyone around you is rearranging their life, it’s because, well, a lot of them are.
Roughly 36% of Americans getting divorced are now aged 50 or older, and adults 65 and over are the only age group whose divorce rate is still climbing. But it’s not just relationships changing or ending.
For individuals changing careers in 2026, the leading motivations are:
- unhealthy work environments (43%)
- poor work-life balance (41%)
- misalignment with their values or sense of purpose (40%)
Shockingly, pay ranks lower, at a lesser 30%.
If we put this data together, it seemingly comes down to the fact that people don’t want to waste their remaining decades in roles or relationships that aren’t working or feeling aligned.
Don’t worry; this is going somewhere (I promise).
Leaving is the easy part to see (and yes, it’s sometimes absolutely necessary; no shame here).
The harder part sometimes, though, is what people find on the other side of it — because a marriage, a job, a house full of kids isn’t only a thing you do. In many ways, it’s a thing you are. And when it goes, something else goes with it.
For most of our lives, purpose is assigned. It arrives through children who need feeding, a marriage that needs tending, a mortgage, an employer, or an aging parent. And these things are meaningful.
But you didn’t necessarily decide it was meaningful. Instead, it was more so handed to you by society or social norms. We didn’t really think about it.
And when the assignment or stage of life ends, many people feel an emptiness. We attribute this sometimes to failure or inadequacy. But oftentimes, it’s a sense of vacancy. Something that was meaningful ended.
So, where does purpose come into the picture here? And…
Does Having a Sense of Purpose Actually Matter?
It might.
Research shows that a stronger sense of purpose is associated with reduced all-cause mortality and fewer cardiovascular events. And after adjusting for other factors, mortality was about one-fifth lower among those reporting a strong sense of purpose.
But there’s more: Adults over 50 who had the highest sense of purpose showed better outcomes on depression risk, loneliness, optimism and sleep problems.
Okay, so if it has these types of implications, now what?
Related Article: Filling the Void: How to Address and Overcome Feeling Empty
How to Find Your Purpose
If you’re reading this and still feel lost, it can feel like you’re in a hole you can’t climb out of. So, let’s try a different angle. Instead of trying to “find” something, think about it this way: you actually have the power to choose what your life’s purpose is.
So, here are a few thoughts to get those wheels spinning.
You Get to Choose What Carries Meaning
There is no purpose stitched into the universe with your name on it, waiting to be located. Nothing arrives with meaning pre-installed. Not parenthood, not marriage, not a career, not any of it.
And yeah, this sounds bleak. But give it a few seconds.
If meaning isn’t discovered, but assigned, then perhaps you get to be the one to decide what has purpose in your life. You get to choose what counts. And this can actually be quite empowering. It doesn’t have to lead you down a dark tunnel. Instead, it can give you exactly what you need to make reality what you want.
So…
- What do you want to mean something in your life?
- Where are you already assigning meaning in your life?
- What have you been treating as important because somebody once told you it was?
- What did you care about before you had other people to care for?
- If no one would ever know how you’d spent it, what would you do with a free Saturday?
- Ten years from now, what would you want to be able to say you gave your attention to?
I recommend taking a few moments to write down your answers. These work as great reflective journal prompts, and they can really help you determine what you want to assign meaning to.
But deciding what matters is only half of it.
Meaning that never makes it into your actual week isn’t meaning yet; it’s more of an intention. And here’s the part that might surprise you: what turns it into something real isn’t more freedom. It’s less.
Select Your Constraints
Constraints give life structure, rhythm, and emotional safety. But there are certain constraints imposed on us and certain ones we choose.
Interestingly, inherited ones (the rules you absorbed without ever agreeing to them) frequently produce scarcity, such as:
- It’s too late to start something at my age.
- I can’t travel alone.
- I have to be available to everyone who calls.
- Going back to school at 55 would be embarrassing.
- If I move somewhere new, I’m abandoning people.
- Wanting time alone means I’m selfish.
But the constraints you choose deliberately open up a world of possibilities. Examples include:
- Thursday evenings are yours.
- One weekend a month you don’t make plans for anyone else.
- You say yes to one unfamiliar thing a month.
- No more Sunday phone calls.
- You’re unavailable after 8 pm each night.
What could you do with those spare evenings? Maybe it’s about replenishing your energy so you feel less drained, or perhaps it’s about diving headfirst into that hobby you’ve been wanting to explore.
Either way, when you get to choose your constraints, you also get to choose where your energy goes and what you give meaning to. Constraints are often what people miss; I’ve been guilty of it, too.
When life stops feeling like ours, the instinct is to want more options, more openness, more space, on the assumption that we’re too caged in. So we glance sideways at somebody else’s life and decide the grass is greener over there.
But… usually it isn’t. Usually, what we’re seeing is someone practicing constraints they’ve chosen.
So look back at what you wrote down a few minutes ago.
- Determine what your constraints are around those answers.
- Separate the constraints you’ve created versus what maybe you’ve inherited.
From there, you’ll likely start to untangle what truly matters to you, ultimately choosing your purpose and meaning in your life.
You Get to Choose
For me, this is the most powerful statement. Having the ability to choose hasn’t always been an option. Today, it is.
Your purpose isn’t waiting to be discovered. It’s assigned. And for most of a life, somebody else does the assigning. But knowing this now, you get to flip this around.
When you begin to realize you can choose, everything starts to feel more aligned. The question isn’t: What’s my purpose? It’s more so: What do I want to matter in my life?
Related Article: Finding Your Life Purpose: Why You Don’t Need to Find the Perfect Path
Photo by Rachel Claire
