In a relationship, selfishness and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.
This morning I saw a middle-aged woman slam the car door in her husband’s face and storm off into a grocery store. Then an hour later I couldn’t help but notice two 20-something friends sitting next to me at a local coffee shop, the man staring down at his phone the entire time his friend shared with him her concerns about some seemingly complicated family matters. And just now I came across someone’s rant on social media about their significant other that concluded with, “ALL MEN are exactly the same!”
Most of us have likely done similar things at some point too, because relationships aren’t easy, and sometimes we get distracted or upset and then we make mistakes. In fact, let’s be honest, we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional missteps and mood swings. But that doesn’t excuse what we do to each other.
With practice, we can do better.
Over the years, through our coaching practice, courses, and live events, Angel and I have worked with hundreds of individuals and couples looking to fix their difficult relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen. One of the most significant realizations is the fact that almost all the drama within struggling relationships (both intimate and platonic) arise from the same toxic habits and behavioral patterns. I’m sharing them with you today in hopes that doing so will help you catch yourself in the act, so you can course-correct when necessary.
1. Giving the silent treatment.
Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc. All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.
When you’re ignoring someone, you’re really teaching them to live without you. If that’s what you want, be clear about it. And if not, it’s time to change your approach!
2. Using hateful gestures as a substitute for honest communication.
Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc. In whatever form, gestures like these are toxic to a relationship because they convey hate. And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship dispute when the other person is constantly receiving the message that you hate them.
Also, keep in mind that if someone you love makes a mistake and you choose to forgive them, your actions must reinforce your words. In other words, don’t continuously use their past wrongdoings to justify your present righteousness. When you constantly use someone’s past wrongdoings to make yourself seem “better” than them — “I’m better than you because, unlike you, I didn’t do XYZ in the past.” — it’s a lose-lose situation.
Replace the toxicity with positive communication. Because the truth is, if you’re throwing hateful gestures at a person instead of communicating with them, there’s a good chance they don’t even know why you’re being so mean. And when communication between two people isn’t open and honest, there’s also a lot of important stuff that never gets said.
3. Using complaints and disagreements as opportunities to condemn each other.
Complaints are OK. Disagreements are generally OK too. These are natural, honest reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when complaints and disagreements spiral out of control into global attacks on the person’s character, and not on their decisions or behavior, it spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they were busy and forgot, but because they are a horrible, wretched person!”
Remember, there’s a big difference between who someone is and what they sometimes do.
4. Denying responsibility for your role in a relationship.
When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming the other person. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem here is never me, and it’s always you.” This denial of accountability just escalates every argument, because there’s a complete and utter breakdown of communication.
The key thing to understand is that you have a choice. Either you’re choosing to be in a relationship with another person, or you aren’t. If you’re choosing to be in, then you are responsible for it. Denying this means you’re giving up all your power to the other person — you’re their puppet or victim, regardless of the circumstances (positive or negative), because you’ve given them 100% of the responsibility for the relationship that you have with them.
So remember, even when the behavior driving a relationship dispute belongs to the other person, the only way to find common ground, or simply create more healthy space for yourself, is to first own the fact that you are 50% responsible the relationship at all times. Once you do, you have the power to make progress one way or another.
5. Using emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail happens when you apply an emotional penalty against someone if they don’t do exactly what you want them to do. The key condition here is that they change their behavior against their will as a result of the emotional blackmail. In other words, absent the emotional blackmail they would live differently, but they fear the penalty — and the drama — and so they give in. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship behavior.
The solution, again, relies heavily on better communication. There should not be a penalty, just an honest conversation. If two people care about each other and want to maintain a healthy relationship, they absolutely need to be “allowed” to openly communicate all of their feelings to each other — their true feelings — not just the perfectly agreeable ones. If this is not allowed or supported by one or both people involved in the relationship — if one or both people fear punishment for their honesty — lies and deceit will gradually replace love and trust. (Read “Emotional Blackmail”.)
6. Keeping secrets.
Being honest is the only way to be at peace with yourself and those you care about. Trust is the bedrock of every healthy relationship, and when trust is broken it takes a long time and commitment on the part of both parties involved to repair it and heal. The key thing to remember here is that secrets can be just as deceitful as openly telling a lie.
All too often I’ll hear a coaching client say something like, “I didn’t tell him but I didn’t lie about it, either.” This statement is a contradiction, as omissions and secrets are lies. If you’re covering up your tracks or withholding the truth in any way, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out and trust in the relationship completely breaks down. So speak the whole truth, always.
7. Neglecting a relationship the minute things get hard.
When your marriage, friendship, parenting, etc. gets difficult, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. These intimate, intricate relationships are toughest when you’re doing them right — when you’re dedicating time, having the tough conversations, and making daily sacrifices.
Healthy, long-tern relationships are always amazing, but rarely easy 24/7. Resisting the hard times and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong or that you’re with the wrong person only intensifies the difficulties. By contrast, finding the patience and mindfulness to view the challenges as an opportunity to work together will give your relationship the energy and strength needed to transcend the problems and grow even stronger in the long run.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to practice. If you can relate to any of these toxic relationship habits, remember that you aren’t alone. We all harbor some unhealthy behavioral patterns that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. As mentioned above, the key is awareness — practice recognizing these tendencies and then course-correcting when necessary.
And before you go we would love to hear from YOU.
Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most right now?
Please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
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