Decades of research suggest that flourishing relationships are one of the strongest predictors of health and well-being. In a large meta-analysis of 148 studies, psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a founding scientific chair for the U.S. Foundation for Social Connection and the Global Initiative on Loneliness and Connection, found people with stronger bonds had a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival than those with weaker ties. Similarly, the Harvard Grant Study of Adult Development has emphasized relationships as foundational to thriving and aging well.
Yet, despite the importance of relationships, we often take them for granted—especially when life gets busy. Modern life can leave us preoccupied with productivity, distracted by the pursuit of pleasure, and pulled in countless directions by the many demands competing for our attention.
As Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and author of The Anxious Generation, argues, the attention economy is wreaking havoc on our well-being. To connect deeply with others, we must remember to disconnect from screens and other distractions that are hijacking our attention. While we may have good intentions, it’s our actions—reaching out, active listening, sharing, and showing up—that help us maintain strong ties.
I was reminded of the importance of relationships at my 35th college reunion last week.
We recently wrote about clearing out not only our homes, but also our minds—making space for what matters most in our lives.
Throughout the reunion weekend, I focused on being more intentional: less rushing, less scrolling, fewer superficial conversations—and more presence, connection, and depth with friends I’ve known for 35 years.
The weekend began in a deeply meaningful way by honoring my beloved Mom whose life had a profound impact on many people. My mother was one of the first people who helped me feel that I mattered. Through her love, heartfelt presence, faith, encouragement, and service to the community, she had a beautiful way of helping others feel seen, valued, and loved.
Honoring her at the start of reunion weekend set the tone for me in a deeply meaningful way—reminding me that a well-lived life is not measured predominantly by accomplishments but by the lives we touch, the example we set, and the love we leave behind.
The Science of Mattering
The rest of the weekend offered another reminder about mattering: the gift of enduring friendships. Reconnecting with friends I’ve known for 35 years—who’ve been at my side through various stages of my life—reminded me of the importance of actively nurturing my relationships by actively listening, expressing curiosity, showing up in tough times, and savoring the joys.
Time spent with close friends doesn’t just feel good; it’s also good for us physically and mentally, boosting our overall health and well-being.
University of Miami psychologist and dear friend Isaac Prilleltensky, who passed away a few weeks ago, devoted much of his life’s work to the science of mattering—the idea that we all need to feel valued and know that we add value to others.
His powerful work reminds us that well-being is not just about happiness, pleasure, or achievement. Rather, it’s also about feeling deeply connected, seen, and understood by others.
In fact, he found that we are more likely to flourish when we know that our lives matter to others and that we can contribute to the lives of our family, friends, colleagues, and communities.
Since relationships are so central to our well-being, we can’t just expect them to remain strong on their own. Like physical fitness, relational fitness requires intention, practice, and care. That’s why we coined the term “Relationship Gym,” where we invite people to practice the qualities and skills that help build stronger bonds.
Friendships, Meaning, and Mental Fitness
With loneliness at an all-time high globally, this message feels especially timely for today’s youth, who are pressured to achieve and perform at high levels—in the classroom, on the field, and on the stage. While achievement is important, it’s not enough. And it shouldn’t come at the expense of strong social connection.
Relationships Essential Reads
To thrive in life, today’s youth need close friendships and the knowledge that they matter for who they are, rather than for just what they achieve.
In contrast, a lack of mattering is detrimental to well-being and is correlated with anxiety and depression, according to a study by Botero and colleagues published in the Journal of Prevention and Intervention in the Community.
At the Philadelphia Union Foundation’s Mental Fitness Forum a few weeks ago, James and I emphasized a simple but powerful idea: Every young person needs to know that they matter—to their family, friends, team, and community.
Feeling seen and supported is a basic human need that helps us flourish. Mental fitness, like physical fitness, doesn’t just happen. We need to build it with the help of others so we can feel supported, loved, and resilient.
Martin Seligman’s PERMA model of flourishing also reminds us that well-being includes Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. Of those five pillars, relationships and meaning may ultimately be the glue that holds everything else together.
Perhaps we all need a reminder to clear some space in our homes and our hearts for the people and moments who matter most to us.
Take some time to ask yourself: Who in your life has helped you feel that you mattered? And who might need a reminder from you that they matter, too?
Consider one small practice from our “Relationship Gym”: meet up with a friend—ideally in person—to show that you care. If that’s not possible, call them, write a letter, or send a short text expressing your thanks. They’ll feel better, and so will you.
Relationships shouldn’t be something on the periphery of our lives that we tend to only when we have time. Rather, they should be foundational. Let’s remember to nurture them and be good role models for our children and the younger generation by teaching them the importance of investing in relationships—in sports, in school, at home, and throughout life.
