When couples 50 and older end their marriages, it’s known as gray divorce. Researchers Brown et al. found that, in 1990, eight percent of all persons divorcing in the U.S. were age 50 or older; today the percentage is 36 percent.
Reasons for this phenomenon abound:
- Societal attitudes about divorce have changed.
- Many older adults rank happiness, well-being, and having a fulfilling life higher than honoring the traditional expectation of “till death do us part.”
- People are living longer and are unwilling to accept staying in a marriage that is unhappy, abusive, with poor communication, financial infidelity, or addiction.
After a gray divorce, many people struggle to find the happiness they hoped for.
Kathleen, 60, divorced her husband nine years ago. She sat speechless on the love seat in my office, her tear-filled eyes staring at me. I broke the silence.
Carol: Sometimes it’s difficult to know where to start.
She wiped the tears from her eyes with a tissue.
Kathleen: When I divorced David, I didn’t expect that all these years later I would still be so unhappy. I don’t think I’m clinically depressed. I’m just so sad.
Our session continued. She said a friend of hers told her she needed professional help. She shared that over the years after the divorce, she had struggled with her relationship with her adult son and adult daughter, who had aligned more with their father than with her. For the past three years, she had been in a relationship with a kind and caring man, but her happy moments with him were fleeting.
Carol: Are you ready to explore ways to develop a plan for your happiness?
Kathleen: I am beyond ready!
After their gray divorce, many people are surprised that they have not found the happiness they thought they would. I find Dr. Arthur Brooks’ work especially helpful for them. He is a behavioral scientist at Harvard Business School, a best-selling author, and a leading expert on the science of happiness. He teaches about happiness from a neuroscience and social psychology perspective. He says that, based on behavioral science and neuroscience research, the happiest people have balance in enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning.
Kathleen: I don’t have balance in any of those.
Carol: We can develop your plan to find that balance.
Kathleen: I would like that.
Brooks teaches that happiness is the ability to feel positive emotions, recover quickly from negative emotions, and have a sense of purpose. He writes that happiness is not having a lot of privilege or money. It’s not constant pleasure. It’s broader than that. It’s about our ability to connect with others, build meaningful relationships, create community, and develop awareness beyond ourselves.
He reports that in 2020, an international team of scholars compiled 68 common recommendations for enhancing happiness, and asked 18 of the most prolific academic experts on the science of happiness to rank them. The following were the top 10 most effective and actionable recommendations.
- Invest in your relationships with your family and friends. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which began in 1938 and continues today, found that close relationships are the most significant predictors of happiness and well-being.
- Join a club or value-based community where you share with others your ideas, what you care about, and what you have in common.
- Be active mentally, which means having an interest in things, reading, not for work, and being a lifelong learner. Be physically active, which could be as simple as taking a 30-minute walk.
- Get out of daily thinking about yourself; focus on something larger. Transcend yourself through faith, philosophy, or having awe for nature and the universe. Practice your religion or a philosophy, cultivate awe by walking in nature, or practice insight meditation or mindfulness.
- Get physical exercise. Research found that all kinds of physical exercise enhance mood and well-being.
- Act nicely. Studies found that being kind and agreeable is correlated with happiness.
- Be generous. Research found that when people give to others, happiness-enhancing neurochemicals are released in the brain.
- Mind your health, physically and emotionally. See your medical, dental, and mental health professionals preventatively and when in physical or emotional pain.
- Experience nature. Studies have shown that walking in nature lowers stress, increases positive mood, and enhances working memory.
- Socialize with colleagues outside of work. Research found that work friendships increase employee engagement, which is associated with happiness and productivity.
Kathleen: I’m eager to work on all of this.
Carol: Let’s break it down into manageable steps. How do you feel about starting with Number One, since the happiness experts ranked it first?
Kathleen: I’m a list maker, so for our next session, I’ll make a list about how I can begin accomplishing Number One.
Carol: That’s a great start.
Patient name and details changed to preserve confidentiality.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2026 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.
