Reviewed by Laura Anderson Kirby, PhD
Credit: Getty Images
Key Takeaways
• Democratic parenting focuses on mutual respect.
• Setting clear limits helps kids feel secure—while teaching teaching them to make thoughtful choices.
• Parents can start out by approaching parenting challenges with curiosity and an open mind—democratic parents are always eager to talk through issues with their kids directly.
Most parents like to think of themselves as fair. They always start out with the best intentions: listening to their kids’ complaints about household rules and expectations with an open mind, taking deep breathes when they break the rules and using age-appropriate discipline techniques instead of resorting to punishment. But it’s easier said than done when your kid is pushing your buttons.
We sympathize (and have been there before) but if you’re eager to treat your kids more like equal partners in the household, you might be interested in democratic parenting.
Democratic parenting isn’t something you’ll be fighting with distant relatives about at Thanksgiving dinner (phew). Rather, it’s a highly intentional approach to raising kids that emphasizes mutual respect and self-sufficiency. Democratic parenting is a style that certainly requires some hard work and thoughtfulness on the part of the parent, but proponents of the style say it really pays off.
What is Democratic Parenting?
No democratic parenting doesn’t have to do with politics—it can be a parenting style used by anyone, especially parents who see their kids not as subordinate to them, but members of the family unit with equal say (with some limits) on how the household should be run.
“There’s confusion around the name because of the political association,” acknowledges Blaise T. Ryan, author of Democratic Parenting: Evolving Beyond Authoritarian and Permissive Parenting. “When we talk about raising children using democratic parenting, it’s not that children get to vote. It’s about helping children navigate challenges in their life, helping parents navigate challenging behaviors, and teaching children to make intelligent choices.”
If you want to try the democratic parenting style, consider the core tenants of democracy. It may also help to begin by thinking of your household as a mini-society, one in which children are viewed as equally valuable ‘citizens’ of your family, treated as equals and free to express themselves. Interactions between democratic parents and their children should always be grounded in mutual respect.
Characteristics of a Democratic Parent
Democratic parents set clear limits, and calmly maintain those limits in the face of push-back, while also offering age-appropriate explanations of ‘why’ behind the limit or boundary they’ve set.
In this way, democratic parenting is markedly different from both permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting. In the democratic parenting style, these are known as ‘kind limits.’ The goal is to strike a balance between being overly strict and so permissive that you never say no.
“Limits are important, because pushing on limits is how the child defines their reality,” Ryan says. “A lot of what parents call misbehavior is actually just a very natural, healthy thing that kids do.”
What Democratic Parenting Looks Like in Practice
Respecting child’s individuality doesn’t mean that you are helpless to manage challenging, risky or dangerous behaviors. Instead, Ryan explains, the democratic parenting style asks parents to shift their thinking.
When conflict arises — a toddler might have a tearful tantrum, or an older kid may shout or lash out — a ‘democratic parent’ should be mindful of the fact that there is likely a root cause of the difficult behavior.
Their job is to try to understand and address what that root cause is. Typically, Ryan says, a practitioner of democratic parenting will ask themselves three questions when trying to decide how to handle a difficult moment with their child:
Does the child have an unmet need? Are they tired? Hungry? Overstimulated? Bored?
Is there something stressful going on in their life? This could be any big life change, like a move, loss of a family member or pet, a separation or divorce, or a big change at school.
Could the child be modeling behavior they’ve absorbed from their environment? Are they imitating or testing out behavior or language they’ve picked up from a friend, a TV show, or even one of their parents or caregivers?
Once they’ve identified the root cause, parents are encouraged to use a collaborative communication style to find a solution. Often, that involves helping your child calm down, or simply waiting for them to downshift from ‘fight-or-flight’ mode into a more regulated state. Once the child is calm and ready to talk, parents can engage in a conversation about how you can address the root cause of their outburst.
Benefits of Democratic Parenting
Though we all know that democracy is no utopia, a household built around the democratic parenting style is one that supports kids to grow into fully self-sufficient teens and adults — and for many parents, that sounds pretty darn utopian. Democratic parents work to model self-regulation and self-expression, as well as self-care. Over time, proponents say, a major benefit of democratic parenting is that your children will:
Learn to recognize and express their own needs within the family in a loving, kind way.
Treat others with respect.
If parents show their children respect, they can help them understand why certain choices are better than others through careful, patient, and age-appropriate explanation. The goal of democratic parenting is that, eventually, it becomes second nature for the child to consider everybody’s needs and to consider the natural consequences of their actions when they do make a mistake.
“If a child’s needs are met, they can be open to balancing everybody’s needs, which is what a democratic society is really all about,” Ryan says—which might make compromise easier on all fronts, from the dinner table to family movie night.
Challenges of Democratic Parenting
Being completely regulated and calm all the time is probably not realistic for most parents, and that is easily the biggest snag when parents are trying to implement this parenting style. However, like all parenting approaches, Ryan doesn’t expect parents to execute this style perfectly, 100% of the time.
That’s why combining parenting styles—like relying on second-best parenting when you’re feeling burnt out—is one effective way to parent with intention even when you don’t feel up to the challenge.
For busy parents, finding time to focus on meeting your own social and emotional needs can feel like another full time job, on top of parenting. With multiple kids, and sometimes multiple jobs, to manage, parents are often coming home exhausted. It may feel insurmountable for a drained, exhausted parent to implement the democratic parenting style, Ryan acknowledges.
Still, he emphasizes that “any little way that they can feed themselves emotionally is going to translate to giving the same to their children.” That means doing your best to find even the smallest ways to make self-care part of your daily routine.
Tips For Democratic Parenting
While a lot of the ideology behind this style of parenting seems like it requires a brain that is solely focused on parenting, any parent, no matter how busy they are, can integrate democratic parenting into their parenting style if they want to.
In practice, Ryan says, parents can implement it by simply approaching the challenging moments with their kid from a place of curiosity rather than anger, rigidity or frustration. Two key tricks for implementing this parenting style are:
Ask yourself: What does my child need right now? Try not to bombard your kid with questions, but internally cycle through the scenario that seems to fit your kid’s situation. Do they need to rest? Do they need to process all these stimulating experiences they just went through at daycare or at a birthday party? Do they need some one-on-one attention? Are they feeling confused, and in need of information? Are they unsure what to expect, and craving more predictability?
Care for yourself: Whether you process and meet your own needs by spending time with your partner, a trusted friend, or therapist (or all of these) self-care is an essential piece of being a successful democratic parent because it puts you in a calm and focused to mindset to handle challenges that arise with your kid in an empathetic, intentional manner.
Democratic parenting can be a big mindset shift for parents. Remember, it’s not so much that you need to change what you do, but rather how you think and see your child and their behaviors.
Read the original article on Parents
