Key Takeaways
Kids who are truly resilient have parents who help them build foundational skills, like emotional regulation, and teach them how to handle disappointment.
Being resilient means being willing to put in the effort to keep trying, even when faced with failure at first.
Parents don’t have to let kids struggle, but letting them face challenges and solve problems on their own can help strengthen their resilience.
Resilience has become one of those parenting buzzwords that shows up everywhere—in school mission statements, on social media, and in conversations about preparing kids for the real world. Most parents agree they want to raise children who can handle disappointment, recover from setbacks, and adapt when their plans don’t exactly pan out.
But in practice, building resilience can feel confusing—plus it’s difficult to see your child struggle when you could so easily help them out. Should you step back and let your child “learn the hard way?” Should you intervene? How much struggle is helpful, and when does it become overwhelming?
But practicing tough love on a kid who hasn’t quite mastered bouncing back from challenges, is not quite the same as building resilience.
“Superficially, these two concepts have similar aims,” says Joseph Laino, PsyD, psychologist and assistant director at Sunset Terrace Family Health Center at NYU Langone. “Ultimately, they both speak to our desire to teach children to be prepared for the challenges that life holds.”
The key difference, he explains, isn’t what we’re trying to teach, it’s how we teach it. Here are six research-backed ways to help kids build resilience—without being too tough.
Build a Secure Base Through Connection
Resilience begins with relationships. Research on attachment consistently shows that children who experience warm, responsive, and predictable caregiving develop stronger emotional regulation and coping skills over time.
“Secure attachment provides children with a stable base from which to view the relationships in their life as more predictable and safer,” Dr. Laino says. “This fosters an appropriate level of trust in self and others, increased self-confidence, and better emotional regulation.”
When children feel secure, they’re more willing to take appropriate risks like trying out for a team, attempting a challenging assignment, or navigating a social conflict—because they know they have support if things don’t go well.
In everyday life, building secure attachment can look like making eye contact when your child is talking, validating their feelings instead of minimizing them, and being consistent with routines and expectations. It’s less about grand gestures and more about reliability.
When kids feel emotionally safe, they develop the internal stability needed to face instability elsewhere.
Encourage a Growth Mindset
How children interpret setbacks matters as much as the setbacks themselves. Research on growth mindset shows that kids who believe abilities can improve with effort are more likely to persist after failure and view challenges as opportunities to learn.
“A growth mindset reframes challenges as opportunities,” Dr. Laino says. “Fixed mindsets view challenges as threats.”
Parents can nurture this by focusing on effort, strategy, and persistence rather than innate ability, he says. If your child earns a high grade, you might say, “You studied consistently and asked for help when you needed it—that paid off,” rather than, “You’re so smart.”
This subtle shift reinforces that success is tied to effort and choices, not fixed traits. And when kids believe they can improve, they’re far more likely to try again after disappointment, a core component of resilience.
Allow Struggle—With Scaffolding
It can be painful to watch your child struggle. But stepping in too quickly may actually undermine resilience.
“Resilience building isn’t about rescuing the child from difficult situations and solving their problems for them,” Dr. Laino says. “If we do that, the child won’t develop the emotional muscle needed to face the challenges of life.”
At the same time, resilience isn’t about abandoning them to fend for themselves, either—instead parents should strive to strike a balance between the two extremes.
“It’s about learning to balance the need for the child to struggle just a bit with resolution while providing a scaffolding of support so they don’t feel alone in the process,” says Dr. Laino.
Think of scaffolding as a supportive structure. For a younger child, that might mean offering two clothing choices instead of dressing them yourself. For an older child, it might mean helping them brainstorm solutions to a conflict rather than calling the other parent.
The goal is gradual independence—letting them try, stumble, and adjust, while knowing you’re nearby if needed.
Respond to Disappointment With Active Listening
When kids fail a test, lose a game, or don’t get invited to a party, parents often rush to fix the feeling: “It’s not a big deal!” or “You’ll do better next time!”
But dismissing or minimizing disappointment can unintentionally teach children to ignore or suppress emotions.
“When a child experiences failure or disappointment, don’t deny their experience or rush into problem solving mode,” Dr. Laino says.
Instead, start with empathy: “You really wanted this, and this isn’t the outcome you were hoping for. It’s so disappointing.”
This approach—known as active listening—helps children feel understood and supported.
Once the emotional intensity has decreased, you can gently pivot toward reflection, by asking questions like “Are there any lessons to be learned? What can we do differently next time?”
By validating emotions first and problem-solving second, you teach children that feelings are manageable, not something to fear or avoid.
Model Healthy Coping in Real Time
Children are constantly watching how adults respond to stress. Research shows that parental modeling significantly shapes how kids regulate their own emotions.
“Adults modeling appropriate behavior can also be an effective strategy,” Dr. Laino says. For example, you can use phrases like, “I’m frustrated, but I’m not going to give up. I’m going to take a break and try again later,” when you’re around your child.
When you narrate your coping process—taking a breath, pausing before reacting, asking for help—you provide a blueprint your child can internalize. Over time, your voice becomes their inner voice.
Modeling also means acknowledging your own mistakes. Saying, “I was feeling overwhelmed earlier and snapped. I’m sorry,” demonstrates accountability and repair, both critical resilience skills.
Protect the Foundation: Routine, Play, and Balance
Resilience isn’t built only in big emotional moments. It grows in daily habits.
“Maintaining good sleep hygiene, eating regular and nutritious meals, and engaging in routine physical exercise can provide a strong base for being able to manage daily stressors,” Dr. Laino says.
Predictable routines give children a sense of stability, especially during times of change. Cooperative games like Uno, Go Fish, Sorry, or Chutes and Ladders help kids practice taking turns and tolerating frustration in a low-stakes environment. Losing a board game becomes a small, safe rehearsal for larger disappointments later in life.
And perhaps most importantly, aim for balance. “We need an optimal amount of stress to help us build resilience but not so much that we are overwhelmed by it,” Dr. Laino says. “Like most things in life, it’s about finding balance and learning adaptive ways to cope with the curve balls life may throw our way.”
Resilience doesn’t come from eliminating stress—or from throwing kids into stressful situations with no lifeboat. It comes from helping children feel supported, capable, and trusted as they learn to navigate challenges. When parents strike that balance, kids don’t just become tougher. They become more confident in their ability to bend—and bounce back.
Read the original article on Parents
