Emotional intelligence is all the rage and, many would argue, it has been for some time. Ask any psychology professor and they’ll likely tell you that it’s one of their students’ favorite topics. There’s certainly no question that it’s incredibly necessary and relevant today.
Given consistent psychological findings that humans desire to avoid suffering, emotional intelligence is what we all want in our partners, our friends, our colleagues, and… the world. It’s correlated with better well-being in general and has been shown to be related to positive relationship outcomes, improved mental health, reduced stress, better decision-making, and many other desirable variables.
I’ve noticed, however, that many people tend to conflate emotional intelligence with empathy. While empathy is indeed an important component of emotional intelligence, that’s quite a limited view. Emotional intelligence involves—and necessitates—much more.
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and utilize emotions. I tend to tell students it’s our ability to understand and work with emotions—both ours and others’. Students like the concept because it challenges traditional notions of intelligence. You can know as many facts as possible, but if you can’t regulate your own emotions, or respond appropriately to someone else’s emotions, then how “intelligent” are you, really?
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is indeed a big part of emotional intelligence, for good reason. I like the common, simple explanation: Empathy is feeling with someone. It’s your ability to go beyond sympathy or feeling for someone. When we’re empathetic, we truly understand what a person is feeling and respond accordingly.
I like to share this short clip illustrating Brené Brown’s concise explanation of empathy when discussing the concept with students. Through it, they really connect with the idea that empathy is “climbing down into the hole” with the person, not just saying, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” It’s when you know what that person is experiencing and you’re truly there for them, which isn’t always possible.
But as important as empathy is, it is not the be-all and end-all of emotional intelligence. Many would argue that it’s a necessary start but on its own, it falls short. So what else does emotional intelligence require?
Motivation
Showing initiative, completing tasks… emotional intelligence involves commitment and follow-through. Commitment to achieving goals and self-improvement are particularly linked to emotional intelligence. To me, this is connected to a future orientation, something that has long been correlated with successful life outcomes (like achieving goals). As research has demonstrated, if we can envision the consequences of our actions—or our inaction—we are much more likely to behave in ways that lead to better outcomes for both ourselves and others.
Self-Awareness
I always tell students that self-awareness is a therapist’s dream. Why? Therapists spend a lot of time helping us get to know ourselves, identifying and understanding our strengths and weaknesses, our moods and impulses, our goals, and so much more. When we know ourselves, we can understand how our behavior affects others and, therefore, build better relationships. Self-awareness helps us communicate with thought and care, critically think about what we’re doing and saying, and adapt emotionally and behaviorally.
From a broader perspective, self-awareness is unquestionably critical when it comes to recognizing and challenging our own power and privilege, and how we act on and from it. Working toward social justice—an essential value in psychology and related disciplines—requires emotionally intelligent individuals who can honestly and vulnerably “look inside.” Indeed, many intelligence theorists call this “introspection,” and it’s one of the first steps to behavior change.
Self-Regulation
Historically, psychology has stressed that we all do better when we have control over ourselves, including our emotions. Classic studies by the likes of Walter Mischel demonstrate that if children are presented with something like candy and can bring themselves to wait a bit before eating that treat, they’ll be rewarded with more of that treat after waiting. That ability to anticipate consequences demonstrates a future-orientation that is absolutely essential for achieving desired outcomes and goals.
The ability to control our impulses, to regulate our moods, and to self-discipline greatly contributes to both intrapersonal and interpersonal growth. Emotionally intelligent people pause, take a breath, and think before they respond, for example. And it’s not just about others, it’s about managing our own nervous systems as well. We all do better when we can both recognize when our nervous systems need to calm down and when we have the skills to help them do that.
Emotional Intelligence Essential Reads
Social Skills
To respond appropriately to people, we need to be able to do things like recognize social cues. This is where social skills come in. Emotional intelligence involves the ability to build rapport and promote common interests, elements of any successful social interaction. Does this mean that you cannot be emotionally intelligent if social skills don’t come easily to you? Absolutely not! Emotional intelligence itself is something we can all develop and strengthen, just like every one of the above components.
Working Toward Well-Being
So yes, empathy is absolutely essential to emotional intelligence but there is clearly a lot more to it. I’d argue that you simply cannot be emotionally intelligent without empathy, but emotional intelligence takes a healthy dose of motivation, self-awareness, self-regulation, and social skills as well. Emotional intelligence is a holistic concept. With this in mind, we can better work toward emotional intelligence in ourselves and well-being for all.
